Saturday, January 6, 2007

Wonder

Feeling extremely warm today. Went for a cold bath and felt much better. Wish its chrismas and winter.

I dunno what is wrong with me lately. Was not feeling happy but I am not sad. Just feeling weird. Probably because of my university classes has started. Not that I do not wish to go for classes or study, but I just feel tired. Tired of the stress that I would be facing. Tired of what I have been through for the pass 2 years.

Even before the classes start, I already facing huge load of stress. Stress of problem related to my study loan. It's still bothering me till this very moment. Do not even wish to think or talk about it.

After 2 years and a half you study, finally I am in Semester 6 of the Bachelor of Pharmacy (BPharm) program. Semester 6. Three more to go.

Basically, each time a new semester start, I just go there with a blank heart. Being the first batch in a new program is not always a good thing. Without any advice from senior, all you can do is just go there with a blank heart, not knowing that to expect. I hated this feelings. How I wish I can have some guidance from others.

Somehow, I will still need to face it. This semester particularly started with a big question mark.

Am I good enough?

Am I ready?

I guess most of us wonders if we are good enough to be a pharmacist, good enough to give appropriate advice and guide to patients, good enough for this and that.

Prof Peter, the Dean of Pharmacy in IMU had told us that we are good, much better than what they have expected. Dr. Kang, BPharm coordinator also sent us the same meaning.

I still wonder if I am good enough.

Alan had posted on his blog on his feeling toward BPharm. He says,

After all these trainings, did I master anything besides sitting for exams? Do I know how to imagine? Do I know how to create strategies? Do I...? Where is my creativity? Where is my passion for life? Where is my dreams? Are they still around? Or they are already replaced by "How to prepare for exams"?

...

So far, what did exams give me? Adrenaline rush? Nightmares? Am I going to be a bad pharmacist if I get bad results? Things I sacrificed for exams, such as my soul, can I win them back? Ten years from noww, will people around me even care about how I did in my exams?

Every single word is true. I totally agree with what he said.

Is it all about exam?!? Whole semester of learning process and its all mainly depends on your performance in the merely 3 hours of exam. To me, its a test of ability to memorise, how big is the capacity of you brain, the ability to handle stress and also LUCK.

What if something like this happen? You've worked so hard for the exam but the results does not reflect what you have give in. What can you do? Cry? Suicide?

I do not know how to end this post. Just a pour of my feelings. I am just a small-potato.